There was a time when a bookstore owner could expect a visit
from an irate father for selling their teen daughter Henry Miller but today
it’s not the young we have to worry about. You may have noticed that old people
don’t die any more, they just get more difficult. Many of my customers are
elderly and it’s obvious that men don’t stay as sharp as women. This can be
awkward as women seem to have two ways of dealing with their slightly
confused spouse and both can be jarring. Some say things like “Put that down RIGHT
now you crazy old bastard” while others say things like “Now, now, Harry-Poo,
put the book down like a good boy”. I’ve notified my wife which method I prefer
when it’s my time but I figure she’ll just wing it and let me wander off in the
woods, in my shorts, in February.
On a lighter note, we drove to the Maritimes for a holiday
last month and took a shortcut through the state of Maine.
Donna navigated with the maps I pulled off Google Earth while I drove in
circles cursing and you’d do the same if entire towns kept appearing in the wrong place. I kept
confusing Right and Left and it didn’t help that Donna said it was because
I confused Right and Wrong.
The Bay of Fundy ferry crossing was
uneventful except for when I tripped in a doorway and went flying screaming
into the men's toilet and scared the bejesus out of all the guys doing their
business. I hung out nonchalantly by the lifeboats for most of the crossing,
there are times when you want to be in front of the line.
We finally got to Nova Scotia and
I immediately began to eat lobster. I didn’t tell Donna that I’d watched a
YouTube clip called “How To Eat A Lobster” and I think she was impressed with
my carapace-crushing skills until I discovered the scary green goop in the
body. What the hell was that supposed to be? Poop? Guts? YouTube didn’t cover that so I said to Donna, that my dear is only eaten by Cossacks but
you can have some if you like.
Then we went whale watching and I got sea-sick and threw up
over the side (mostly) and everyone accused me of scaring the whales. The
ship’s pilot tried to calm things down by saying that my loud retching sounded
like a finback whale mating call but I get the feeling everyone got a refund
except me.
